Unrequited
by Orchid-1980
Summary: A bit of a twist: Morrigan discovers she is in love with Alistair! Meanwhile Alistair and the warden grow closer and closer. How will Morrigan deal with this revelation? Morrigan/Alistair/female warden. Rated M for later chapters. Please r&r!
1. Chapter 1: Bitter truth

1. Bitter truth

I don't know exactly when it was that I started to fall in love with him. But I remember the exact day I realised when it hit me with a thud of clarity.

Alistair and Light had taken Zevran and Oghren to Denerium, continuing the search for Andraste's ashes. I was in camp with Wynne, Sten Leliana and Light's hound, Jett. It was not a talkative group and the majority of the night the only sound was Jett's paws padding around the camp and occasionally Leliana and Wynne's quiet mumblings. I rolled my eyes at the two of them, so full of goody-two-shoe-ness. I could barely stand to look at Leliana half the time, everything about her just irritated me so much. It was strange but I found myself craving the company of Light again. She wasn't a super talkative person either, but she treated me like an equal, a true companion and because of this I had begun to respect her, even like her much to my own dismay. Whenever I thought of Light it was hard to not think of Alistair. They were always together these days, Alistair was like a loyal puppy following her around, and she occasionally betrayed a coy smile that told me she didn't mind. For a reason I was yet to discover watching them together made me angry. I assumed to begin with the anger stemmed from the fact that I thought love as a whole was entirely useless and futile, and that they were kidding themselves if they thought it would lead to anything but despair and torment in the long term. I chalked it up to this and nothing deeper for quite a while, although I had to concede to myself that I was more then a little surprised at exactly how angry it made me. Normally I would be annoyed, or get frustrated with people who I thought were being silly and letting emotions get the best of them, but it would be a passing thought and nothing more. The anger I felt towards the two wardens seemed to linger, growing in the pit of my stomach, leeching into my own thoughts until I was the silly human reacting to my own emotions. It wasn't until later the next day when the others returned when I would finally be forced to acknowledge my own feelings.

Light and the others were on their way from Denerium to some unknown town to continue the search. Denerium had been more eventful then they had expected, and Alistair was wearing impressive new drakeskin armour. He and the others walked toward the fire, talking quietly. I couldn't hear what they were saying being tucked away in my separate little side camp – but unconsciously my eyes were lingering on his form. Shocked at myself I shook my head to remove the images my brain was beginning to store. Slowly my mind was trying to introduce my consciousness to what my subconscious already knew, but I couldn't possibly… It was ludicrous! Alistair represented so many things about the human world I despised – the supposed need for organisation; the 'save everyone' mentality, honour, nobility…useless traits all of them. Yet… something was drawing my thoughts to him again, tugging at my mind to remind me. He had sympathy, compassion an overwhelming honesty, despite his difficulty upbringing. I had none of these things; I wasn't sure I wanted them exactly, but I did want something. Something was missing - being around people other then my mother had made that all the more clear. I still felt on the outside looking in, and regardless of myself I knew a part of me admired him, his ease of conversation with everyone, his ability to sympathise with almost anyone, no matter how weak, or what form of creature they were. And why didn't he look at me the same way other men did? I was used to be leered at and assumed it was impossible for them not to admire me when I was wearing my revealing robes. It made it all the more obvious that he wasn't interested. Instead he was totally unaffected by it. It was so strange, he had made me start to question things about myself I thought were solid as stone. Maybe that was part of the reason I gave him such a ribbing all the time, a form of backlash against the questions he made me face in myself. Well, that and I enjoyed the fiery banter we exchanged, and being able to get under his skin was a thrill. I was smiling at myself when I noticed Light approaching my little side camp - coming over to check in with me as she did almost every night we were at camp. As I saw her approach I kept Alistair in the corner of my eye in the distance behind her. I could see him watching her walk over to me. He was sitting alone not realising anyone was watching him, the expression on his face as he looked at her mixed with obvious desire and giddy infatuation.

'Why her!' I thought angrily to myself. Then I froze.

What was that? Was I ….jealous? of Light? I was still reeling from shock when I realised light was standing before me, waiting for me to respond to whatever it was she had just asked. I focused my gaze on her. "What?" I spat. A bit abrupt but I wasn't in the mood to deal with light right now. She was taken aback for a second, but continued on.

"I said I hoped you didn't mind being left behind with Leliana and Wynne. I know they aren't you favourite people…"

I glowered at her silently. I was sick with envy towards the mage now and reason and logic were surrendering to stronger emotions I hadn't ever experienced before. She raised an eyebrow, patiently waiting, watching me. I turned my gaze away, looking past her.

"You know, you don't have to baby-sit me Light - I can handle myself in camp without your holy presence." I couldn't help the venom in my words. I didn't want to be around her right now. I wished her gone completely from my world in that moment.

She was taken aback. "Morrigan what's wrong? Are you okay" nothing but concern on her face, despite my anger.

"I don't have time to pander to your every whim Light. I simply desire to be alone, kindly leave me be." It wasn't entirely true. I wanted to be alone with someone but I knew they didn't want the same. I was still in utter shock from the realisation of it all that I was having trouble keeping these strange new feelings under control… my eyes started to sting, my throat was tightening with the stress of holding the despair in. I needed her to leave urgently.

"Whatever. Have it your way." She finally left, obviously irritated with me. And rightly so. I was lashing out at her, when the person I was angry with was myself. I felt ashamed, mortified and embarrassed. This was totally foolish and made no sense. How did this come to pass that I actually wanted _him_. And knowing that he was dedicated solely to her only compounded the anger and frustration. I quickly ducked inside my tent and started to analyse these new emotions. I had experienced lust before so I knew what that was. But this was more then lust, I suppose it could only be described as…what, a crush? It felt so strong though surely that was too frivolous a word to be accurate. Infatuation? No. I knew what it was. I cursed myself as I felt the tears begin to sting behind my eyes, and realised the future torment I was going to have to endure as I accepted it.. This was love. Painful, unrequited, disastrous love.


	2. Chapter 2: Resentment

Sorry about the delay between chap 1 and 2. I'm trying my best to keep Morrigan in character, and as realistic as possible. This is my first fan fic so any feedback contructive or otherwise would be most appreciated.

Okay onto chapter two…

* * *

2. Resentment

I had spent another few hours that same night trying to reason logically with myself as to how and why this had happened, but in the end I knew I was just aggravating my already anxious frustration. I needed distraction from thinking about Alistair, lest tempting thoughts continued to plague me. I rolled over, conjured a glowing wisp and opened the Grimoire Light had found for me a few weeks earlier. I had already read it thoroughly so I was just leafing through absently, not really reading the words, when a memory stirred. It was before my mother had sent me on this quest with the two wardens. Flemeth had told me of a ritual that would take place the night before the arch demon was destroyed. In order for it to work though I needed to bed a grey warden. And that grey warden would have to be Alistair. A sinister smile crept across my face. It amused me that when I was first told of the ritual I baulked at the thought of being with him, yet now the idea excited me. I felt tingles of anticipation as I began to day dream about the night, of being able to release my bridled passion. And he would never even have to know my true feelings toward him for me to be with him, never see my shameful weakness. It was too perfect. The only downside I realised begrudgingly would be that would be the only night it would happen. I consoled myself with the fact I had always planned to leave this group once the blight had been stopped anyway, and if I was carrying the soul of the old god within me, well, there was no doubt.

But then I started to realise as well the only way he would agree to the ritual in the first place would be if he wanted to stay with Light after the arch demon's defeat, enough so that he would partake in the dark ritual I had planned. It was already obvious that Light was the one I needed to persuade ultimately, it wasn't something I could approach Alistair directly with, and I winced at the knowledge he would definitely reject me outright then and there, regardless of weather it would save his life. I was still fairly certain he despised me outright… as much as that awareness upset me now. And knowing Alistair he would be more then skeptical of letting me have what I wanted. But I believed I still had surprise on my side - I don't think anyone in the group knew that to destroy the arch demon it required a grey warden to sacrifice themselves, but Flemeth knew and had told me.

I needed to keep that surprise quiet, a knee jerk reaction was my best ally for the future to make my plans comes to fruition. If Light and Alistair had time to think about the consequences of the ritual they might begin to question if it was a big enough risk to allow me to have the old god's soul, especially not knowing what my plans were. I needed them to be desperate to stay together. In order for that to happen it struck me that I might need to encourage their flirtations into a much deeper love, one they couldn't bring themselves to abandon through death. I had never encouraged anyone to love another before, where on earth would I even start? Eventually I drifted of into sleep trying to think of ways to achieve this. I needn't have worried though, things between them were further along then I'd realised. But I was about to find out.

The next morning I woke early despite the lack of sleep. Zevran and Leliana were already awake as well, smirking together about something. I walked to the fire to start cooking, keeping myself in earshot. I didn't want them to know that I was curious about what was the cause of their obvious mirth.

"He must have worn her out to be sleeping in this late." Zev quipped. Leliana giggled. I couldn't help my eyes rolling; the silly bard irritated me so.

"I say good for them. I was starting to wonder if they would ever work it out." then she saw me and tried to include me as she always did. "Morrigan, did you hear what the wardens got up to last night?"

"No, but I suspect you're going to tell me." My tone was sarcastic but inwardly I felt my stomach tense.

_Where were Alistair and Light anyway? They should be up by now._

"Our fearless leaders spent the night together. They haven't come out yet but…" she trailed off into another fit of giggles. I fought the urge to throw a fireball at her feet. I hated the sound of her giggling (Well, I hated all the sounds she made to be truthful) .

"Maybe they are having round two before they have to face the rest of us" Zevran said, smiling wickedly, knowingly.

The news that they had consummated their relationship threw me, but I concentrated on keeping my emotions hidden. I said nothing, wondering what my appropriate response would be if I was supposed to be someone with no feelings towards Alistair. Instead I focused on stirring the porridge cooking in front of me and trying to completely change the track of conversation.

"Zevran fetch me some water - breakfast won't cook itself you know." Zevran raised an eyebrow at me before slinking off to fulfil my request. He was back quicker then I expected at my side.

"Not pleased with these turn of events?" he whispered, crouching next to me.

I scowled at him before replying "Not anything, assassin. I don't see how it affects me so why should I care." My voice wavered ever so slightly at the last word, and I lost my composure for the tiniest split second, but I feared it was all Zev needed to have the real answer. _Curse you, elf! _ I thought to myself.

"Certainly, why should you indeed." Zev had a shrewd glint in his eyes as he stood and walked away, back towards Leliana.

Leliana was still laughing quietly to herself when the flap to Alistair's tent opened, and Alistair strode out of the tent. He walked towards the centre of the camp where I was still preparing the food. He seemed taller for some reason, more impressive then I remembered from all of 10 hours earlier. I realised I was staring at him and looked away quickly as I felt colour flood my cheeks.

_Oh god, keep it together girl!_

"Smells good, Morrigan!" He had a dumb smile on his face that made me feel sick, shuddering from the realisation of why he was so ridiculously happy. But I needed to keep up the charade of loathing as best I could.

_This is a good thing, remember? You need them in love to even have a chance with him._

"Considering your normal standard on smells that's hardly a compliment." I replied with heavy sarcasm, looking sideways at his face to judge the reaction. He only laughed heartily, completely immune to the jibe.

"Oh Maker, you are funny Morrigan. You just don't realise it!" He was still smiling, the afterglow of his romp with Light all too apparent, as he rocked back and fourth on his feet. I smiled weakly back.

Light then emerged from the tent in her mages robes. Zav and Leliana chose this moment to wolf whistle and holler at the two wardens. Light looked a little sheepish but I watched Alistair carefully as Light approached, his smiling eyes focused solely on her. I sighed inwardly: I had to admit his eyes had been solely focused on her for some time now, although it bothered me a lot more now that I had a vested interest. It made it all the more clear that in my heart of hearts I wanted nothing else but for someone to look at me like that.

_Not just someone…_

"Okay guys, enough" Light said, smiling lightly, cheeks touched with a slight blush. I hated to admit but right now her quiet beauty was scorchingly apparent. Her long brown hair, the colour of chocolate, hung loosely tousled around her face, just past her shoulders, framing her almond shaped, amber-coloured eyes - eyes that were so different to mine. I always considered her quite plain, compared to myself; that all men would look at me well before they looked at her. But I could see now it wasn't just her quiet strength that attracted people - that was only part of her charisma. She was genuinely kind, and warm. The complete opposite of me: I was the dark where she was…well, light, obviously.. I even found myself opening up to her occasionally. She had garnered my respect which not many people did. I wasn't surprised at all now that her and Alistair had paired up. I should have been happy as this development played perfectly into my plans for being with him, but happiness was very far away from my feeling now. Jealously was consuming me, the self-loathing ate at my insides. If only my mother had been more loving, maybe I would not be such a bitter individual, scorning everyone and everything good. I had been lost in thought for so long I had tuned out everything around me.

"Morrigan? Hello, earth to Morrigan?" Alistair's playful voice cut through my thoughts.

"What?" I snapped back to reality, face to face with a small cauldron of burnt porridge. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Alistair was watching me closely, puzzled. My cheeks reddened again.

"It's okay, don't worry about that, we'll eat while we travel. Let's go guys." Light quickly redirected the attention away from me, and everyone started packing up to start the long road south west from Denerium towards the mountains where a supposed hidden village was. I hadn't really been paying attention of late anyway - all this travel and living closely with so many people was straining on me. I felt the need to return to the forest, to be at peace and alone again. Being in the forest it was easy to not think on the pleasures of intimacy and companionship that I didn't have. But being constantly reminded of it day in day out, having those two wardens falling in love before my eyes, made me question nature itself, question why I had lived without so much for so very long. Light had asked me a few times about what living in the wilds was like. I don't think I could ever really convey just how different out upbringings were to her though. But I do think it lent me some pity in her eyes, probably explained why she was always gracious towards me, even when I had jibed Alistair relentlessly in the early days of our journey.

So without much more word our troupe set out towards the unknown village. Myself , Wynne and Light held towards the back as mages often did. I walked furthest behind, and before too long Light fell in step beside me,

when no one was within earshot.

"What's going on Morrigan? You seem a little… off" Her amber eyes showed nothing but concern.

I took a long time to answer, not sure what to say.

"I honestly don't know what to tell you. I haven't been sleeping well, I guess. Maybe it's being around that flitty Bard for too long. She's exhausting." The best way to lie was to tell a half truth after all.

"You sure?" She didn't seem convinced.

"Look, its fine, Light, don't worry." I waived my hand to brush off the subject. "So what about you and the imbecile?" I nodded in Alistair direction who was walking well ahead.

Her cheeks flushed briefly, a smile springing to her lips almost instantly. "Things just… happened, you know? I've never known a man like him" her eyes trailed to him briefly.

"Is it serious?"

"Umm… I guess. Yeah. Why, does it make you uncomfortable?" She had the same stupid grin on her face that he'd had when he'd first strode out of the tent.

"Not uncomfortable so much as …. nauseated." I was struggling with keeping the correct composure around them now that my feelings for Alistair had changed so dramatically, and being forced to watch the love he had for the lead warden grow. But really I had never witnessed genuine love this close up before, I had no idea about these things. If they were already in love that boded very well for my plans, even though witnessing it only fuelled my jealousy towards her. Reminding myself that their pairing worked in my favour in more ways then one was the key to keeping my composure, and I could feel my resolve slowly returning, the scathing cold armor was feeling back in place. I knew in that moment that I was going to betray her in the future, even though she was probably the closest I had come to having a friend. But I cared more about what I wanted ahead of anyone else, always had. And she had what I wanted, and I would delight in being able to take it away from her. Even if only for the one night, it would be a permanent scar on their love.

Light only laughed. "Well, I don't know Morrigan… I'm happy. We'll do our best not to make you too sick though."

I smiled as well, seemingly in response to her happiness but really smiling about how easy things were starting to look. It was clear now that it would be only a matter of time before I could have Alistair to myself. And that night could not come fast enough.


End file.
